I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
