and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
