At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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