phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
