Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
