Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
