Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
