No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
