You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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