i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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