My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
