I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
BRING THE BAGELS
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
