Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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