Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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