Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
