i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
