I wish I could teleport
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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