When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
