god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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