Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
