grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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