no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
