I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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