Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
