There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
