Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
