You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
