Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
