If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
