Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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