brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Did I show you my penis last night?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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