Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you never un-have a 4some
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
