When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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