Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
