i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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