I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
