You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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