but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
