Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
