the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
