I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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