at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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