No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
