I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
40s are totally the cure
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
