Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I fill condoms, not promises.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
