Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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