my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
