i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am available for nakedness
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
