Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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