im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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