Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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