Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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