I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Randomize