WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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