Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
