I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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